Lost

I always thought death is inminent, everything is destined. God has had his own plan.. But.. Today might just be an ordinary day for others, just a typical friday.. But for me.. It was the worst friday ever.

i received a early call from mum, around 7am. In phone, she asked me to calm down, telling me that she got something important to tell me yet begging me not to be shocked with the news. Immediately, i could sense that something bad going to be told. I listened to her every word warily... Tears started to rolled down my cheeks unconsciously. I was dumb-founded and paralysed. How could this happen? Why now? Why when i was here? Away from him..

She said he died around 1am.. He started to breath heavily and then he was gone. Knowing that i was crying, she ordered me not to.. Telling me he passed away in a good condition. Almost no suffering at all. He seemed all normal.. In fact, in an unusually good appetite the night before that unforgetful event. I begged to go home, to see his for the last time before he turned into ashes of grey, but mum did not allow me too. She said they got a lot of thing to be done, organising funeral apparently was not an easy job. Yea.. I knew that too, i had an experience with my grandma's. However, i insisted.. And instead of allowing me to follow my heart, she told me that she did not want me to come back cause it will affect me, i would have to skip classes.. And at last she said, if grandpa was here, he would not like to see me missed classes for him too.

I processed her words. There are rasionale behind it too.. Even if i went there, there would nothing that i could do.. Perhaps, i would get more upset seeing his lifeless corpse.

The old memories flashed back as i rolled on the blanket, biting it, crying my lungs out.. I remembered.. We always went to places to together, With me sitting by his side in the car, he would just tell me about his old stories, and i would just pretend as if i was paying attention and kept nodding. Ha.. they were all old stories that were told again and again.. How many times can a person hearing the same stories and still could show interest in them? What i liked the most was the affection he expressed wordlessly, no one able to connect to my deepest soul like he did. He would cupped my hands and caressed it gently with his wrinkly palms. They were so thin, With prominent phalanges bone.. But then, they were the warmest hand i ever in connect with. The warmest and greatest feeling of all. With a single touch, i knew how much he loved me.. And in response of his touch, i would naturally put my head on his boney shoulder.. We would just sitting there, with his stories as the background song, expressing our family love wordlessly.. Like that, the journey seemed to shorten a lot.

I remembered.. He once asked me what i would like to be when i grow up?

I knew he always wanted me to become a teacher, He dreamt of me as the third generation to be an educator. But, i wasnt interested in teaching and i just bluffed an occupation out, claiming that i would like to become a doctor. To my amazement, he wasnt dissappointed, he smiled sweetly, assuring me that he knew one day i sure can become a good doctor. He said he was proud to have me as the first doctor in the family. He also said that he hoped that when i am a qualified doctor, I could treat his asthma. Being by his side whenever he needed medical aid. And then he expressed his worries.. he knew studying medicine was going to take years. He was scared that he wasnt able to see me graduated from medical school..

"Doctor? Others may not be able to be that, but.. you.. i know you can.. Theo job will suite you perfectly." These words of his were what driven me to keep going on until this day. He was the one who inspired me to become a doctor. He was the one who motivated me to keep holding on to the books when i wanted to give up. Now that he had gone.. I had lost my motivator. I wasnt in the mood to strive anyomore.. Why now? Why not a few years later.. You once said you wanted to see me graduated? Then, why do you leave me now? Why are you so forgetful? Do you know how much it hurts me? i am trying my best here to achieve our goals together.. but why do you have to leave so soon, leaving me alone on the site of war.. Alone in this combat, i did not know what to do already.. i am lost..

26 jun 09
5.27pm