First Love

I started this blog because i always lose my diaries. After a few months of writing, i tend to lose it. So, i change to a new diary. This kind of situation keeps reoccuring so i come up with this idea- writing a blog~ A blog~ a link of internet, surely i will not lose it and have to spend money buying beautiful cover books again.

As it was my diary, the experiences of my life should be written out vividly and truthfully as what was in my memory. So, it would not be completed without one of the most important parts of my life- my first real love relationship. This article was just written based on my memory. I was not mean to offend or find fault with anyone. If anybody was irritated by this article, i could not help but to express my sincere apology.

After waiting hopelessly for a guy that never like me, i just decided to give up on guys for good. For the first time, i knew i needed to focus on my education and SPM. I was form 5 at that time, at the peak of swinging hormone.. =.= so i guessed my hormone got the best of me.. I was still attracted to guys despite of what my brain told me.

He was my classmate and in my physics lab group since form 4.. We never talked much though. In fact, i doubted if we ever chat in form 4. Thing started to get warm when he around during the 2nd year. He who usually quiet and shy, suddenly bloomed into a charismatic and flirty guy. He started to join in our group of girls, craking jokes and flirting. At first, nothing was special. We all knew he was madly in love with one of the girls in our class- she was the most beautiful girl around. It was an open secret, even the girl was aware of it. So, we all just took his flirting as a joke. He was our friend who just wanted to have fun around a bunch of girls.

Then, i wasnt aware what was changing the atmosphere. I guessed he too, did not know when we started to have feeling for each other. How to put this straight? Well.. let just say, love stroke when you least expected. For me, i thought the beginning of all this was when he accidnetally hurted me feeling by mentioning my vulnerable past once, we started to have a serious talk and since then i never looked at him the same way before because unexpectedly, he was a sensitive guy who was quite good in comforting my feeling.

After a couple of weeks of the incident at 27th july, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Apparently, i thought we were coming on too fast but my curiosity grabbed the better part of me. I decided to have it a go. I agreed because he was the type of guy i knew will not cheat or play my feeling. However, he requested that we kept our relationship in secret. Whenever i asked why or protested, he would give all sort of weird reasons- like his friends would tease him and that sort. I could help but feel a slight depressed. Was i not good enough for him? Why was he embarassed to admit that i was his girlfriend? Or was he afraid to announce our realtionship because he still had hope of the other girl and i was just a spare? Hurtful but i convinced myself to trust him, lying to myself days to days, telling myself that he must have a good reason for it.

I told my parents about the relationship after a week because i did not want to lie to the ones i loved. I was taking the relationship seriously. But, somehow i was not convinced he did the same. He remained secretive about it. Again, i was upset that he did not inform his parents about us. I was not sure if he was taking it serioudly as i do.

We were too young for dating, i guessed. So, most of the time, we just flirted around with messages. At school, we seemed like best friends. By the end of the year, i told a few of my friends about the relationship and he told no one.. Days by days, insecurity started to accumulate. On our graduation day, a friend just announced our relationship in front of the class.. i observed his every expression when he heard the announcement, there was a sweet smile carved, but whether it was the sign of courtesy or approval, i did not know.

We went to KL trip together. It was really fun having him around. He gave me a huge teddy bear that he won in genting highland. Then, in sunway lagoon, when i was dizzy =.= ( thanks to the pirate swing and the rotating cups), he was there for me. He missed out a lot of fun by accompanied me, Sitting on the wooden bench. He had a small chat with me and rubbed my back, helping me to recover from the dizziness and nausea.. We was conned in kl too into buying some sort of amulet and we had quite a quarrel about it. He wanted to go and face the conman, but i refuse to let him do so. It was too dangerous and we were in foreign place. It was christmas that night that we made up. He bought us a pair of rings which apparently too big for both of us and i bought him a box of chocolated cookies. I returned from KL with some of my friends first with train and he remained there for a few days.

Around the 6th month together, a lot of problems arose. He seemed to get jealous whenever i was with other guys. I started to feel like he was choking me.. The was lack of trust. The train incident was the one that hurt me most. Was i the type of girl for him? How insulting.. Then, there was the lack of chemistry. He knew deeply that i wanted to be a doctor but he kept telling me that the occupation had no future, there was too many doctors in malaysia, the salary wasnt high enough, etc.. honestly, i did not understand him, he supposed knew me better that i would not mind the not-so lucrative salary and tiring work hours, he should knew that being a doctor was my biggest dream. Instead of encouraging me, he was actually looked down the noble job. Argument almost became our daily routine. Obviously, there was lack of chemistry and trust between us. So..

I guessed that was it. That was the beginning and ending of my first love. The six months i spent with him was memorable one. There was ups and downs. But i never regretted it. If i was given another chance to choose who i wanted to be my first love. i would still choose him for he was trully a great guy.. Thanks, jie~ thanks for everything... But i guessed our serendipity ended short. I hoped you would find a better girl that was special to you. Good luck in everything!! I would always love you even if i was not in love with you. Gambateh!! You will always have me as your best buddy^^